not sure how to feel
by Celestial Ceci
Summary: Chat has something he's needed to tell Ladybug for a while, but this isn't quiteeee how he wanted it to go down. (trans!adrien) ONESHOT.


hey guys! just a quick one shot i whipped up last night :3 the idea had been in my head for a couple of days bc i'm a big fan of the trans!adrien headcanon, and last night i wrote it all down to try and get rid of the major writer's block i'm having (ugh). not a lot of editing went into this sooo... sorry if there are some mistakes! hope you guys enjoy! *throws blue pink & white glitter*

~Cecilia

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Chat Noir had known Ladybug for a year and a half. They'd gone through much more near-death experiences together than most friends would care to go through, and Chat trusted her entirely. Yet, there were still secrets. He often wondered how much he really knew this person he considered a best friend.

He'd always been wary of telling people the truth. His father had decided that it was best to keep it a secret. Fashion designers were not of the calibre of fame that many other millionaires were; some parts of their life could still be secret, which was a blessing in his case. It was also something that allowed Adrien to pretend was normal. If no one knew, he couldn't be judged. He was often complimeted by photographers and runway makeup artist on his femininity, and it always struck a nerve. For him, it wasn't a compliment.

And this time was no different.

"You know what I mean?" Ladybug asked. "Like… you give off this very approachable vibe because of it."

"I guess." Chat Noir tried his hardest to not make his voice as icy as it could have been.

Unfortunately, Ladybug still picked up on it. "I'm sorry," she said apologetically. "I didn't mean it to be offensive, honest! A lot of girls find it attractive. It's not a bad thing."

"Hmm," Chat hummed. He looked straight ahead and couldn't help the cloudy expression that washed over his face.

"Why are you so bothered?" Ladybug quipped, sounding slightly annoyed. "I said it wasn't bad! Guys are always so touchy about that."

"Okay, well, maybe they have a good reason," Chat snapped.

Ladybug huffed and muttered something about fragile masculinity.

"Not all guys want to be seen as feminine, Ladybug."

"I mean, yeah, I get that, but what's the problem? Is there something wrong with being a little feminine?"

"No! It's just… I don't know. It's complicated." He really wasn't feeling it tonight.

"Ohh, it's complicated?" She crossed her arms.

"Yes, it is! Okay? Jesus." Chat practically yelled. He pulled his knees up and rested his arms on them, and looked away from her. Why was she being so pushy? Obviously, it's not like she could know why he was mad, but she was sure toeing the line.

A few moments of heavy silence passed before Ladybug spoke again. "Colleague to colleague, friend to friend, can I ask why that bothers you so much?"

"No." Chat said immediately. He was both pissed and upset. He had to stop the conversation before it got out of hand.

"How come?" Ladybug fired back.

"I-I can't tell you." Chat's voice almost broke. He felt a tear forming in the corner of his eye and scrubbed his eye and tried to take deep breaths. He was not going to cry over this. Not now. Not in front of her. He knew he would probably have to tell Ladybug eventually, but this wasn't really the circumstance he had hoped for.

"Hey, hey," Ladybug went to put her hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed."

"It's not like I expected you to know." Chat pushed her hand away, and wrapped his arms around himself.

"Chaton?" Ladybug scooted just a bit closer. "Listen to me. I apologize for making you upset. I'm really sorry. But if… it is really bothering you, I can try and help."

"It's… not the sort of thing you can help," Chat whispered. Try as he might, the tears came. They flowed out of his eyes and over his mask, and he wiped them off with disgust. "Fuck," he mumbled. _Too late, too late._

This time when Ladybug reached out and pulled him into a hug, he didn't protest. She stroked his hair as he slowly fell into sobs. They stayed like that, with Chat curled into a ball and Ladybug's arms around him with her chin resting on his head, for a long time.

He had to. He had to tell her. He was so close, all he had to do was say the words, and it would all be over. Words that shouldn't mean as much as they did. This was Ladybug, wasn't it? He trusted her. Yet, he was so, so afraid to tell her. If she reacted poorly, it could ruin their relationship permanently. What if she could never look him in the eye again? Chat said the words over and over in his head. All he would have to do is open his mouth and say them. He could do it. He could do it.

"Ladybug?" He croaked, his voice sore from crying.

"Yes?" She whispered, not letting go of him.

"I'm… I'm transgender."

Ladybug's hand stilled on his hair, and she stiffened. Chat squeezed his eyes shut tighter, and tried to keep the tears from coming back. Nope, she wasn't saying anything. She hated him. She didn't get it. He'd ruined it all. God, he was stupid.

"I-I… I'm sorry, Chat. I didn't know. I mean, obviously I didn't know-" Ladybug stuttered.

Chat broke out of her now limp arms and rubbed his eyes. "Yeah. I know you didn't. But now you do. Okay? Now you know. That's why I am feminine. Right? I'm feminine because I am biologically a girl, and no matter how long I'm on hormones it will never change. I am well aware, Ladybug! Very aware!" Chat couldn't help but yell. It was like telling his dad all over again, and he wished for nothing more than to just be able to tell _someone_ without them reacting badly.

Ladybug was still frozen, and eyes were wide. "Chat, I-I don't know… what you want me to- I just-" She stopped herself, taking a deep breath.

"Just say it." Chat said coldly. "Get it out."

"I don't care. I guess that's all that I could say that matters."

He turned to look at her incredulously. What? "Do you really not care?"

"No, I don't." She said sincerely. "That doesn't change my opinion of you at all. Really, I promise it doesn't. Also, I'm so, so sorry about earlier. I regret every word. I don't love you any less."

Chat bit his lip, and twisted his hands together. "I forgive you."

There was another minute of silence before Ladybug spoke again. "Could I, um, give you another hug?"

Chat wordlessly opened his arms, and they embraced tightly. They rocked back and forth slightly for a few minutes. He wasn't sure how to feel now. She didn't care! He didn't wholly believe her yet, but it was still comforting. All his anxiety drifted away, and he melted into the hug, feeling exhausted. "You are only the fourth person I've ever come out to," Chat mumbled into Ladybug's pigtail.

"Really?" She mumbled back, her face stuffed into the crook of his neck.

"Mmhmm."

Ladybug pulled away and held his face between both of her hands. "Listen, chaton, I promise, cross my heart and hope to die, that it doesn't matter, okay?"

"Mmm, okayyyy." He mumbled around his squished cheeks. He still had his eyes closed, and he snuggled into her hand.

"Chat are you listening to me."

"Yes. You love me no matter what."

"Yes. I just want to make sure you know that. And that I am so so SO sorry-"

"LB, you don't have to keep apologizing." Chat moved her hands from his face to his shoulders and looked her in the eyes. "You didn't know. Now you do. Just don't forget."

"I promise I won't! I just, I feel really bad now and-"

"Listen, I know. I know. Please just stop."

"Okay." Ladybug smiled at him, and Chat Noir smiled back. "Could I ask something though.."

Chat sighed. "Why not."

"How long?"

"Since I was ten."

"Oh. Oh wow. That's um. Pretty young."

"Yeah. My dad is kind of strict, but it was my mom who talked him around. It's actually kind of nice? Like once he accepted it, it's like he's blocked out the fact that he ever had a daughter. He just sees me as his son, and so does everyone else. Like I said, you're the fourth person ever to know."

"Huh." She nodded.

They sat in silence for a few more minutes, looking at their hands, one pair red and one pair black, tangled together in between them.

"It's late," Chat said finally.

"Yeah, we should probably get going." Ladybug agreed.

They hugged again, and then they stood up to go their separate ways for the night. "Chat?" Ladybug said as he turned to go.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too, LB."


End file.
